The Trouble with Traffic
by batmanwho
Summary: "Both of you shut up before I shove you out of the car and leave you in the middle of the highway!" "Psshh like you could even get anywhere, anyway. Traffic isn't exactly moving, Royboy." Conversations snippets in which a grumpy archer, a hyperactive speedster, and a mischievous acrobat are stuck in traffic. Rated M for language.


"I got shotgun!"

"Wha-hey! You can't call it until you actually see the car!"

"Says who, Dickie-bird?"

"Says the rules of the game, Wall-man."

"Here's an idea, both of you sit in the back."

"Roy!"

"Hey Roy, turn it up, I like this song."

"What? No."

"Roy, turn it up, I like this song, too."

"Really, Wally? Really?"

"Yes, really. Now turn it up."

"How about no?"

"How about, shut up, Roy, you're just the chauffeur?"

"How about you shut up you spoiled little rich br- DICK SIT YOUR ASS DOWN!"

"Hey, if you won't turn up the music, I will."

"I spy with my little eye...something blue."

"My eyes."

"No."

"Roy's eyes."

"No."

"That car."

"Nu-uh."

"The sky."

"Nope."

"That girl's hair?"

"Uh, no. Also, I think her hair is more green than blue."

"Oh. Um, my shoes?"

"No."

"That billboard?"

"Which billboard?"

"That one."

"Oh, uh...no."

"The letters on the license plate?"

"Nope."

"Ugh, I give up."

"It was that empty Pepsi can underneath the seat."

"Wha- Wally, I can't see that from over here! That's cheating!"

"No, I could see it, therefore it was perfectly fair game. Hey, man, maybe your detective skills are off."

"Doesn't matter, even if they were, because I can still kick your ass!"

"Bring it on, short stack!"

"I'm not that short!"

"You look like a kid!"

"I AM NOT A KID!"

"Hey Roy, why the hell are we stopped?"

"Wally we're not stopped, we're going a solid...five miles an hour."

"Why?"

"'Cause traffic."

"Traffic sucks."

"Welcome to Gotham."

"I CHIMED IN, HAVEN'T YOU PEOPLE EVER HEARD OF CLOSING THE GODDAMN DOOR? NO. IT'S MUCH BETTER TO FACE THESE KINDS OF THINGS WITH A SENSE OF POOOOOIIISEE AND RATIONALITYYYYY. AGAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIINNNNNN!"

"What the hell did I do to deserve you two assholes as my little brothers?"

"Rooy, I'm hungryyy."

"Wally, you're always hungry."

"I know. Can we stop?"

"Dude, we've been practically stopped for the last half hour."

"Shut up, Dick. I meant stop for food."

"There's a bag of snacks underneath you guys' seat."

"Hey Roy?"

"Yeah, Wall?"

"Have I ever told you how much I love you?"

"Hey Dick?"

"Yeah, Wally?"

"Why do you have so many red-headed friends?"

"What? I don't have that many red-headed friends."

"Uh, D? Yeah you kind of do."

"Roy c'mon, I really don-"

"Dude, you've got me, Roy, Barb, M'gann, Jason, even, like, Aunt Shay has red hair. Dude, what the heck?"

"Whoa. I never even realized…"

"We should start a club…'Dick Grayson's Ginger Army'. Whaddya say, Roy?"

"Why 'Dick Grayson's Ginger Army'? Why not just 'Ginger Army'? Then we can recruit people who don't even know Dick, and just have a world-wide army of Gingers."

"HA! And they call me and Dick geniuses!"

"ROY! Dick's being...a dick!"

"ROY! Wally's cursing at a small child!"

"Oh, so now you're okay with being short? Not cool, dude."

"I'm not short! I just haven't hit my growth spurt, yet!"

"Oh please. You probably already had your growth spurt! Face it, Dickie-bird, you've stopped growing. You're gonna be five foot nothing forever."

"Five foot nothing? I will have you know that I am, in fact five foot four, and still growing, thank you very much!"

"Still shorter than every girl you know! That's probably why you can't get a girlfriend!"

"At least I have my looks! Oh, and a decent enough personality not to scare them away, Kid 'Can't-Take-A-Hint!'"

"That's it you little-"

"OW! Wally!"

"Dick! That hurt, man, what the fu-"

"Both of you shut the hell up before I shove you out of the car and leave you in the middle of the highway!"

"Psssh, like you could get anywhere, anyway. Traffic isn't exactly moving, Royboy."

"How come he gets to sit in the front?"

"'Cause I'm the favorite."

"Who cares? I'm older."

"And your point is?"

"My point is, I wanna sit in the front."

"Wally, if you drop this now, I will buy you whatever you want from the next McDonald's we pass."

"HA! Who's the favorite, now, Boy Blunder?"

"Hey, Red?"

"Hm?"

"What movie are you going to see Friday?"

"Why do you wanna know?"

"Oh, I don't. Alicia Baker does."

"Alicia Ba- Dick, get off my phone!"

"Is this her picture? Hey, she's cute!"

"Roy has a girlfriend? Lemme see, dude! Whoa! She's actually really pretty, Roy!"

"Why did you sound surprised? Dick, give me my phone! And she's not my girlfriend!"

"Well that sucks for you. You better work on that."

"Are you calling her-Dick stop!"

"Hello? Is this Alicia Baker?"

"Dick, no."

"No, this isn't Roy. My name is Dick Grayson, I'm Roy's baby brother."

"Hang up the phone now, Grayson."

"He has two, actually. Well, we're surrogate brothers. Related in everything but blood, and all that jazz. Wally, say hi to Alicia."

"Wally, don't you da-"

"HI, ALICIA!"

"Fucking hell, Wally."

"Yeah, that was Wally. He's right between Roy and I in age."

"Dick why-"

"Hush, Roy. I'm sorry, what? Roy was being rude."

"Richard."

"Oh, yeah, he's like that pretty often actually. Mr. Grumpy-pants."

"Dick!"

"Haha! Don't let the bad boy exterior fool you, though. He likes to think he's tough and intimidating, but he's a softy at heart."

"Dick, I swear to God-"

"Anyway, I'll let you go now. Sorry for bothering you, if you were busy or anything."

"Finally."

"Yeah, it was nice talking to you, too. Maybe one day Roy'll introduce you to me and Wally."

"As if."

"Cool! Talk to ya later, Alicia!"

"Richard John Grayson-Wayne I swear to God next time you do something like that-"

"Dude, you're welcome."

"Well, the years start coming and they don't stop coming. Fed to the rules and I hit the ground running!"

"Didn't make sense not to live for fun! Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb."

"So much to do, so much to see, so what's wrong with taking the back streets?"

"You'll never know if you don't go."

"You'll never shine if you don't glow- take it away, Roy!"

"HEY NOW YOU'RE AN ALL-STAR! GET YOUR GAME ON-"

"WHOOO!"

"Um, why are people honking?"

"Because traffic isn't moving."

"Dude, traffic hasn't been moving for the last like, two hours."

"Yeah, guys? Traffic isn't the cause of the honking."

"Then do enlighten us, Roy. What is?"

"Probably the half-naked, drunk guy dancing on people's cars."

"WHAT?!"

"Holy shit!"

"What the fuck…"

"Oh God…"

"Shit, please tell me he is not walking towards our car!"

"I would, but I would be lying."

"Oh, come on! HEY ASSHOLE! GO DRY HUMP SOMEONE ELSE'S CAR!"

"Calm down, Roy. He can't do any harm!"

"Oh my God guys-he's-taking-off-his-pants."

"NO!"

"Is that a dog?"

"What? Where?"

"In that car!"

"Yes! He's so cute!"

"I wanna pet him!

"Wally, do not get out of the car."

"Aw, why?"

"Because traffic is finally moving."

"Oh, really? Thank God."

Woohoo! First story finished and uploaded! I love the idea of Roy, Dick, and Wally being practically brothers, and hanging out outside of heroing and causing shenanigans, so this is the result. If you guys liked this, please be sure to leave me a nice little review down below, and be on the lookout for other one-shots I post! I'm also working on some multi-chapter stories, but I've got to get a few more of those chapters written before I even post the first, so be on the lookout for those, too! Also, if you guys have any request, definitely message me, and I'll see what I can do!

Until next time!


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